A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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