you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
