I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
