just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
