Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
