Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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