you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
