I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
