Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
