Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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