I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
