he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize