In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i think my cat just said my name.
not ubering you a puppy
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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