I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
