OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
