just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
