Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
40s are totally the cure
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
