what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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