I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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