drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
