why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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