I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
