Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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