Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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