wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
smell my finger.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My vagina is officially offended.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
