We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
