Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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