Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
