Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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