don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
