What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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