My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
