We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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