I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize