morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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