You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
