U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
