Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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