why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize