why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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