He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
