he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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