Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
