Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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