I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
