We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
