3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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