i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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