I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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