I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
