I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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