i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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