Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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