my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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